As a recovering chronic people pleaser... saying “No” has been a very important lesson for me... In the past saying “yes” to lots of plans, to favors, to unwanted touch, all throughout the day, seemed to drive me to eat in an unconscious, frantic, “numb-it-now!” way, which was my form of escape.
When did the full body "No!" we had as children become the meek, "No?" (followed by various excuses) as an adult? When is it hard to say "no"? It all depends on you! Everyone has a different relationship with saying "no". For myself and many of the women in my life I’ve seen the following patterns: Sometimes we over-schedule ourselves when we are making plans, or take on too many projects, or go on dates we don’t really want to go on, or do favors for people we don’t really feel able to do, etc. Sometimes it’s in the little moments. “Sure you can have the last bite of food” (even though we are very attached). Or giving someone a hug even though we really just want to shake hands. Ultimately we want balance. Some people are really good at saying “no” and even tend to say it too much, because it helps them to feel safe. Similarly, some people (and it seems to be that most of the women I work with experience this) aren’t good at saying “no”, because they associate feeling safe with saying “yes”, being agreeable, and being accommodating. If you were in a coaching session with me I would ask you: Why doesn't it feel safe for you to say “no”? What bad things have happened when you said “no” in the past? What I’m getting at is the deeper belief that you hold about saying “no”. A common one I hear is: When I say “no”, people go away, take their love away, and I’m left alone. “No” means the love goes away. Another common one is: When I say “no” I upset people, and I don’t want to make people upset. If they’re mad at me I feel like a bad person. If that’s the underlying belief then NO WONDER that person avoids saying “no” at all costs. A sneaky thing happens when you don’t say “no” when you need to: Your ability to take care of yourself, and to say “no” to escapisms and “yes” to helpful behaviors is undermined, maybe even confused. I have definitely noticed a positive shift in my relationship with emotional eating as I’ve strengthened my relationship with saying “no”. I have more energy for myself, I feel aligned with so much more of what I’m doing each and every day, there’s very little resistance or residual anxiety from daily life. Now, I did have to do some major tapping and deep work on my negative associations with saying “no” to get to this place. Tapping helped me to release the guilt and anxiety that used to always come up when I would say “no”. Releasing the old associations allowed me to be liberated from the weight of all that guilt and fear. New Mantra: Every time I say ‘no’ to something I don’t want to do, I say ‘yes’ to myself. I had a time where I visualized a "no" cheer team. I realized I was waiting for permission from people to say “no”, or reassurance and encouragement after I did it. People were usually very encouraging and enthusiastic when I would say “YES”. They would validate me, approve of me, and I felt so connected to them: which is something I really value. I realized that part of why I didn’t want to say “no” was because I was so attached to the positive response I got when I said “yes”. This is when I brought in my own mental cheerleading team. I needed to start to consciously validating, approving of, and encouraging myself when I said “no”, rather than relying on other people to do it! For a while I had to really think about it. I had to visualize the cheerleaders in my head shouting enthusiastically, “That’s right! That was so good! You said “no” so well! It’s so awesome you said no! I’m so glad you said “no”! That was awesome! That was badass! You go GIRL!” (they were more like a crew of badass divas than cheerleaders it turned out…) As I’ve told friends and family about this shift, and about my internal support system of badass divas, my friends and family have joined the crew! Now I have actual people telling me, “That was awesome that you said ‘no’! Great job!” It’s not all the time, and the internal crew is still very very helpful, but hey… it’s pretty awesome to see how things can change. Saying “”no” doesn’t feel like this huge awful burden. It’s just a thing I do when I need to. It feels good to honor my “no”. There’s something dignified about it that I have really started to love. The clarity and space that "no" provides is like a crisp autumn breeze on a sunny day in early fall. So where do you need balance with all of this? Where’s your “NO” at? Are you connected to it? Does it feel safe to say “no”? If so: AWESOME! I applaud you. If you don’t know where your “no” is at, I encourage you to try the following things:
*** I welcome you if you are ready to reclaim your "no" and feel all the joy that is a true "yes". Warmly - Makayla
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Author:Makayla McDonald is a Body Image Coach who lives in Boulder, Colorado. She is passionate about connecting to freedom and peace for herself and for all of her community! Archives
October 2016
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